


love kills us

by hyacinthsfics



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Almost Suicide Attempt, Angst, Bokuaka - Freeform, I wrote this at 3am I'm sorry, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, bokuaka if you squint, bokuroo - Freeform, literal trash, very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-12-13 04:15:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11751804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyacinthsfics/pseuds/hyacinthsfics
Summary: love kills us.





	love kills us

**Author's Note:**

> "love kills us" is repeated a billion times I'm so sorry.

  Love kills us.

  Standing at the edge of the building, wind whipping his hair back and forth across his face, the words resonate within Koutarou's head.

  Love kills us.

  Us.

  Love kills.

  It would be so easy.

  It would be so glorifyingly easy to lean forward the slightest bit and let the gravity take him to the bottom and darken his mind and soul. To feel the wind against his face and body, and he knew he would die long before he hit the cement. It's terrifying just how easy it is.

  The city looks stunning.

  Bright blue and gold and silver contrast against the dark of the night, and Koutarou glances up in hopes to see the stars, yet their light is dimmed by the city. People bustle about down below, too preoccupied with their lives to notice his figure atop the building, waiting for the moment, that moment, the perfect, heartwrenching moment.

  He won't regret it.

  He wonders if he'll regret it.

  Love kills us.

  Love kills.

  Us.

  Koutarou remembers us. A promise sealed into his skin by eager lips, hands pressing love and curiosity into his bare hips, back when Us meant Love and Love meant him and Tetsurou pouring their hearts out to the other between the sheets.

  Love kills us.

  That last night was something akin to ecstasy. Every part of Koutarou was aflame with a fire only Tetsurou could create on his skin, in his veins, resonating in his bones. And when it was said and done, Tetsurou had pressed his forehead against Koutarou's and whispered every word even closely synonymous to love. And Koutarou had cried, in Tetsurou's arms, beneath the sheets, in Tetsu's arms, Tetsu's gone, he's fucking gone-  

  Love kills.

  "Bokuto-san," Keiji's voice is sudden yet hesitant and terrified behind Koutarou. "C'mon, let's go." He speaks as if this is a continuous occurrence. Guilt wells up in Koutarou's chest at the fact that it is. Just about every Saturday night, Keiji finds Koutarou at the roof and coaxes him down; Koutarou has decided won't be coaxed anymore.

  Love kills us.

  "Why?" Koutarou asks softly, staring down at the people walking about with their bags and their lovers and their children.

  Us meant Love and Love meant him and Tetsu and him and Tetsu meant Marriage and Marriage meant Kids. But Kids didn't happen because him and Tetsu didn't last.

  "Because your mom's worried about you," Keiji says gently. Fragile. Like he's scared to break Koutarou with his words. "I'm worried about you," he admits, and Koutarou can hear the sadness in his tone. "Please, Bokuto-san. Let's go home."

  Home.

  Home meant him and Tetsu. Tetsu was _gone_.

  "I can't," Koutarou chokes out. "I can't go home."

  "Well, you can't stay here," Keiji says, somewhat exasperated, a little scared, and a little lonely. "Please, let's just...let's just get down, okay?"

  "Why?" Koutarou repeats, he's on autopilot now. Anything to make Keiji leave soon so he can just _end_ this. "What's for me down there?"

  "Everything!" Keiji cries out, startling Koutarou. "Me! Your mom, your dad, your stupid fucking goldfish! Volleyball, college!"

  "It all doesn't matter," Koutarou whispers out, closing his eyes. "None of it matters."

  "Yes it does!" Koutarou can hear the tears thickening Keiji's voice. "Please, let's go home."

  Love kills us.

  "I can't. I don't want to."

  "I _need_ you to," Keiji tries, and Koutarou hears him shuffle. "I need you. This has all been-" he chokes on his sob. "So fucking hard and I just want my best friend, Bokuto. I want both of them back, I fucking want him back too, okay?! You're not the only one struggling with this!"

  Love kills.

  "Love kills us," Koutarou says aloud. "That's all I can think right now."

  " _I need you_ ," Keiji begs. "I can't lose you too."

  "Everything down there," Koutarou begins. "It all doesn't mean anything to me anymore."

  "And what about me?" Keiji says helplessly. "Do I not matter anymore?" There's a long, terrifying pause. "You're just being fucking selfish!" Keiji screams, all barriers and walls coming down. "You think you're the only one struggling with Tetsurou's death?! You're fucking not! I'm struggling, Tsukishima is struggling, fuck, think about his fucking family, Bokuto! How would they feel if they lost you too?! You're the only one keeping him close to them!"

  "Tetsu believed they didn't care for him."

  "Tetsu..." Keiji pauses, tasting his words in his mouth. "Tetsu believed a lot of things, Bokuto. A lot of things that weren't true, you know that. There were times he believed you didn't love him. There were times he believed I hated him. There were times he believed he was worthless and stupid, but were any of those things true?"

  "No," Koutarou whispers.

  "The only thing Tetsu believed and was true was that you were the greatest thing that ever happened to him," Keiji says softly. "And I firmly believe he wouldn't want you to end up like this."

  "He's not here, how do you know?"

  "Because I knew him, Bokuto-san. And you did too. And you know, deep down, that he would want you to be happy." Love kills us. "So let's go home," Keiji says hoarsely.

  Love kills.

  "Okay," Koutarou agrees and steps back from the ledge.

  Us.

  "Tetsu would've wanted me to keep playing volleyball," Koutarou says as he grabs Keiji's hand. "Yeah?"

  "Yeah. You know he would've."

  "I miss him."

  "I miss him, too."

  "I'm sorry, Akaashi. I know I've worried you a lot."

  "It's okay, Bokuto-san. Just promise me I won't find you here again."

  "I promise."

  Love kills us.

  Love blooms.

  And love gives Koutarou a reason to stay.


End file.
